What if I tell you that I know a guy who accidentally sliced his butt off like a mango? You can’t make this shit up!

He was a much older kid. His name was Rajeev but we called him Gandhi. He was a simpleton, never used a curse word, always smiling, never seen angry, and often wore white khaadi clothes. Hence the nick name. Having first name Rajeev also helped!

The villain in our story is a fodder/chaff cutter or kutti katne ki machine. Here is a picture. Can you imagine youself slice off your butts with it? I can!

So one fine day in March circa 2004, Gandhi took the blunt blades off the machine, got them sharpened at a nearby town Seohara. And then he put the blades back on. So far so good. To check the alignment, you rotate the wheel with blades and hear the swashing sound blades make when they move across the grass feeder opening. He enjoyed listening to metal sound and rotated the machines as vigorously as he could.

Legend has it that as he was picking tools from the ground, he stepped on a stone, lost his balance and fell back, butt extruded onto the rotating blades. The machine shown in the image is pretty high. Imagine a shorter one and imagine someone falling onto the blades butt first when the blades are rotating. The blades sliced his butts and he fell down unconscious.

Fortunately, his bhabhi saw his falling down. She ran towards him and shouted for help. It is said that the brave woman put the slices back on his buttocks .

He was rushed to a nearby hospital in a tractor and trolley. He was put in a charpai, face down of course. It was a 20 minute journey. He was barely conscious. The trolley was filled with well-wishers and family member, not less than 20 people!

He was driven to the closest hospital in Seohara. Hospitals in town typically have one doctor who sits in his room and patiently forms a line to see him. His relatives barged into the doctor’s room and shouted, “emergency hai doctor sahebm hamare admi ne apni gand kaat li hai!”. (Emergency, doctor. Our man has cut his ass!).

The doctor was too curious to know what happened. Instead of asking to bring patient to him, he walked out of his room to see the patient. Some of his patients were also equally fascinated, one of them still had a thermometer in their mouth. He saw him and chuckled. Strangest case of his life, he claimed and then he suddenly became serious.

“it is a police case. You tried to murder him”, he said, “I’ll report this to the Police first”. Gandhi’s father didn’t like the accusations. He found it almost idiotic. “Array doctor, marna hota to gardan katne, haath per katte, gand katte kya?” (Doctor, if we wanted to murder him, we would cut his throat or limbs, not his ass!). I am told he called the doctor chutiya too!

The doctor was convinced and perhaps a bit embarrassed at this own idiocy. Sure, no one would chop off someone butt a little to murder them and bring them to him for treatment. Gandhi was given sedatives and his butt slices were sewn back. For a few months, he was on a liquid diet else you know! He spend a whole month on a charpai listening to his favorite songs on radio.

Every time someone from my village visited this doctor, he would tell this story to all of his patients.  “In there village, there is a boy who chopped off his butts”, he would say. It wasn’t always appreciated but everyone used to get a good laugh.

Gandhi is married with a few kids. He is doing well. He uses his butts normally, just like you and me. He can ride a tractor and a bicycle too.

Personally, I’ve never seen his injury. I heard multiple version of this story with multiple types of masalas applied to it. He is shy. He doesn’t like to talk about it, let alone showing his injuries to anyone. I don’t know how big the slices were. There are rumors about the number of stitches the doctor needed to put.